Goals & Life

We often get so wrapped up in life that we get caught in a rut and don't know how to get out.  I have learned that it is truly important to push yourself because without working on who you are, we never evolve or show our full potential.  Everyone has something to offer the world, you just have to find out what it is.  I sit here typing this and pause to look back on where I was a year ago.  A year ago I was not in school, I had no real direction.  I was trying to find myself and who I was.  I had just moved into my townhouse and was busy trying to make it our home.  I had no goals, no plan really.  I was in a holding pattern, just waiting for the stars to align.  One thing I have learned is that while everything happens for a reason, some things won't happen without purpose......meaning that if you want things to be different you need to approach them in a different way.  I needed to figure out which direction I was heading in life.  I began to stop the pitty party from all that had happened the prior year or two.  This process didn't happen over night.  It truly has taken a year and it is still a work in progress.  Knowing that though is part of the process to which you can change your life a day at a time.

Once I could sign up for school again and I had the documentation I needed to continue I jumped right in.  I enjoy my job.  It allows me to be with the kids as much as possible.  At that time, I knew that a college degree would open so many new doors for me, allow me to make more money, but also take more time away from the kids.  It is one of those things where you realize that as they get older they aren't going to need you as much as they begin to become more independant.  A better life comes with the college degree, or should I say more opportunity comes with it.  Now that I have obtained it though I am ready to use it and walk through the wide open door of opportunity. 

During my last class, our final assignment was to write a reflection paper which was to cover the time from when we started college until now.  That paper really opened my eyes along with what we were learning about goal setting.  I decided to try it, to write down my goals that I want to reach in the next year.  I was feeling pretty good considering I knew that I was about to accomplish a major goal in graduating so I already had a great head start for the year.  Not only did I do this for me but I also made up a sticker chart for the kids where they work to earn stickers which they can then basically earn things.  We have always had a loose type of goal structure but I realized that they weren't really learning it right the old way we were doing things.  That chart has been great because if we go to the store and they ask for something I just remind them that they need to check the chart to see what they have earned.  The headaches that has saved alone has been worth it! 

Goals can be anything we want.  My goals for the next year consist of school, relationships, jobs, money, and happiness.  When I look at them now I see how they all intertwine and how having a plan how to achieve them makes them seem right there and ready to grab.  I know I sound like a Tony Robbins infomercial but this is my blog and this is what works for me.  Try it, it may just work for you too!

No internet, no postings

Sorry for the lack of posts.  I no longer have internet at home as I have been trying to focus mainly on school as I get close to the goal of graduation.  Less than 8 weeks to go!  I'm happy about this for sure.  I have also been trying to get right financially which is easier said than done when you work less hours than you use to but I know that with school and needing to be at home for the kids that it would be rough for a little bit.  Hopefully once I graduate I will be able to get that perfect job after all my hard work. 

So since I have only internet on my phone most of my time online is only for school now.  It has been a good summer though for me and the kids.  We are still having great times, amazing stories to share, and real bonding talks.  I can really say that our relationship is getting stronger and that Madison and Kobe's relationship is improving as Maddy gets older and realizes that as long as she acts like a big kid I will always treat her that way.  One sad thing though is having to see the disappointment on her face sometimes when she talks about her mom and how she seems to be going back to her old ways of not including them or having some type of balance with her kids and her personal life.  It hurts to see that because I never had a relationship with my dad and I see a lot of the same pain in Madison's eyes.  She tries so hard to get her mother's approval yet seems to be only picked on and never praised for doing right or good.  This is what happened to her mom while growing up as she still is constantly trying to gain her mothers approval even in her mid thirties.  This is why Madison continues counseling and going to her girl empowerment group.  This is why we sit down and talk and I get eye level and face to face with her to show her that we are in this together and that in me she always has someone to depend on and ask for help when she needs it.  While I am trying to do the same with Kobe, the task is greater because he cannot express his thoughts and feelings like his sister can.  The nice part is that he and I have a bond already, the same kind I have with Madison, yet also stronger.  He knows he can come to me.  He knows if he does wrong that yes I will let him know but he will get a hug and a "build up" at the end and not a tear down or threat like he does from someone else. 

We all have struggles and challenges.  We all attack them in different ways in order to reach our goals.  The important thing to remember is that everyone's journey is different and that we all have to show compassion and lend a helping hand to those who need it.  Helping someone is a great way to give back for all the help you've gotten when you needed it. 

A Quiet House, How Odd

What to do during summer when your two kids go on vacation with their mom and you are left home alone?  I was faced with that question yesterday as my kids left at 8 am and would not return for 121 hours. The door shuts after hugging them goodbye and I stood in the hallway for about a minute trying to figure out my next move.  It is a strange feeling to be alone for that amount of time as it rarely happens and when it does it feels so weird.  I was ready for a break though as I had 3 whole days with no work and no kids.  I decided to clean the house because who doesn't like a clean house? Not to mention that I could clean without having a path of new destruction to clean once I completed the original cycle of starting upstairs and ending in the basement.  Once everything was done it was time to make a dent in the dreaded homework list for the final week of my Marketing class which has been more than a pain in the ass.  Soon I had most of that done too.  I decided that sunlight would be a good idea so I ran to the store.  It is hard when you are so use to having two little shadows with you, so at ever turn in the store I'm looking behind me out of habit as to locate the two young ones who aren't there.  It is a good habit but it always makes you feel like you are forgetting something.  I have to admit though, it is nice to be in the car without having to listen to a Disney movie playing or Katy Perry bursting out the car speakers.  Don't get me wrong, I will be goofy and sing along to "baby you're a firework" just to see Madison smile or reach back and give Kobe a high five but lately I've figured out that I need to have my time too in order to keep my sanity.

 Realizing this came at a perfect time.  Sometimes we get so caught up in doing for our kids that we forget about our own happiness and how important it is and how it truly matters.  I'm a big believer in finding balance, as that has been a problem in the past for me.  It has really helped me a great deal to learn how to be alone and that you can't depend on other people for your happiness.  You need to make your own happiness and when you take on that type of thought process amazing things begin to happen.  Life is constantly about push versus pull.  Once we learn to let go of that and allow ourselves to be free and open life becomes easier, you are happier, and life doesn't stress you out as much.

So after pondering what to do next, I decided to lift weights.  I made a deal with myself that once I had lifted I would ditch the structure and just be free for the rest of the day.  I was able to work out for an hour and a half and the best part was that I wasn't trying to fit the workout into a window of time.  Once I was done and showered I decided to watch a couple movies.  In between movies I figured I should eat something but instead of the usual dinner choice of cereal when the kids are gone, I fired up the grill and made a burger.  Not a big deal really but normally I wouldn't go through all the trouble for just me.  I did it anyway because hey, I'm worth cooking for too even if I'm alone.  So after the 2nd movie I was ready for sleep, I had a big day ahead.

Waking up on a weekend that I don't work and don't have kids was strange.  I slept till 9, ran to the store, came home and got ready to go on a date.  This was just no ordinary date, this was a hiking date which I must say that she sure came up with a great idea! It was a really good time, and the time passed by too fast.  She is a wonderful girl, interesting, funny, smart, beautiful, the real deal.  I'm really hoping that things go great.  So, before I jinx it, I will move on.  I dropped her at home and came home, again to my empty house with the exception of little Alley Cat.  I must have been more tired than I thought from the hike because I found myself waking up over halfway through Step Brothers. I actually took a nap?  Wow, that is so rare too! I'm living it up today! All in all it was a perfect day.

So that is how I've spent my first couple of days where I'm child free.  Tomorrow will consist of going to the gym, hitting the track for a run and homework.  The highlight of tomorrow though I'm sure will be hearing the kids on the phone, and hearing that they are having fun but that they miss me.  That will get me through until Wednesday morning when the house no longer will be empty for a day as they go back to their mom's Thursday morning and will be gone for another 4 days and I'll do the whole empty house thing over again.

What a Difference a Year Makes

I honestly can't remember the last time it was cold in July.  I know in a couple days I'll be cursing the heat as I'm sweating to death but I do miss summer.  We were in Missouri last week and it was summer there......95 degrees all week, lounging by the pool, getting sunburned.  That is what summer is about right?  It is really hard to believe that June is done and gone already and in a couple days there will be fireworks to watch. 

A year ago at this time I was waiting to find out one of the biggest decisions in my life, and the summer before that saw me take the first step in a decision that was life changing for Kobe, Madison, and myself.  It was a hard decision but a necessary one which was painful for the three of us in many ways but looking back on it now I have no regrets because we are much more happier than ever before.  Court was all wrapped up and the judge gave us a date in the middle of July to come in for her final decision.  Thankfully, when I look back now I don't remember how horrible it felt to have to sit and wait and wonder.  I had my supporters, mostly family and some really good friends but I also had the people who kept telling me to prepare for the worst "because dad's don't ever get custody of their kids" .  Those voices were the words of people who didn't me I guess.  I live for my kids and put them first.  To me, that is my job, that is my reason for being me, and for doing all the things I do.  It is who I am.

During the last year though I have had the chance to really get to work on me, to get to know who I am again and what I want and where I want to be.  It took me awhile to get it but the life lessons that I have learned have been great for me.  Those lessons have helped me appreciate so many things, whether it is the smile and giggle of my daughter or watching the sun set while driving home with the windows open and the music blasting away.  I've learned to not get fully caught up in life and stress, to appreciate the little things.  I've learned that life is a gift and when people are important to you, you tell them and you continue to tell them every chance you get.  I learned that from Kobe actually.  Just for fun, yesterday I counted how many times he said "I love you dad".  He said it 17 times! It started me thinking as to why he tells me that so often because here is an autistic boy who shares his emotions when most kids with autism do not.  I started noticing when he would tell me he loved me and what we were doing at the time.  There was no pattern, sometimes he said it for no reason.  That is when it hit me and I again learned a lesson from my son, you don't need a reason to tell someone how you feel about them.  I have always admired Kobe for sharing whatever is on his mind, actually I call it the lack of a Kobe filter.  Kobe doesn't worry about what people think, Kobe speaks his mind.  If he doesn't like something he will gladly tell you.  This made me realize that wouldn't it be great if we all could do this?  I don't know how many times I've held something back because I feared the answer, or feared rejection.  You get a true sense of freedom when you decide to let it fly and don't hold anything back.  It really works.  Sometimes with surprising and amazing results as I have recently found.

So as I write this I have to question where I will be a year from now as I sift through all these blog posts and read this one.  The summer of 2011 and 2012 held huge life changes for me and it really makes me excited as to think that the trend will continue.  It is so great to have such high hopes and a great outlook on life again like I have for the last couple of years.  I see my kids and the progression they have made and it makes me see that I've done a pretty good job over the last couple years and that I'm continuing in the right direction.  So, as time moves on and the summer ahead holds good times yet to be had, I hope that next summer when I read this and reflect on the summer of 2013 that I have great things to add

A Nice Start to Summer......All Blue Skies Ahead

So I really should be doing homework right now but I've been going all day and don't feel like starting a paper quite yet! So I figured that I would write a little here just to avoid homework and just rethink the day.  Mondays are nice.  Yes, that is a complete sentence for me because I always have Monday off.  So the day started off by sleeping in which was cut short as I got a pillow thrown at me.  This is not unusual at our house.  Most mornings whoever wakes up first, they get the joy of annoying the other two people enough so that we all are up shortly.  I must admit that I love to wake up and start the day like this even if I was the one who got clocked with the pillow this morning because the kids show no remorse to me like I do to them.  Nothing starts the day better than the laughter and the begging to "please stop tickling or I'm going to pee".  Start your day with a smile at least, this has become the motto in the Maier household.  Next up is breakfast which leads to discussion about what we are going to do for the day.  My kids actually like staying home so I granted them that wish because I had many things to do at home.  Most days I'll have four or five different things going on at once, not because I have ADD or anything but that is just how I do it, multitasking seems to work best for me.  So I got the house cleaned up, dishes done, laundry going and started putting together the bench I've been wanting to build for the back patio.  The problem with the bench though is that my saw that I needed to finish up the legs of the bench was at my sister's house in Seneca.  So I got the kids downstairs and ready for a short road trip.  The weather is great today so we had the windows rolled down, sunroof open and we were on our way.  All three of us had carried over our goofy mood from this morning and it was about to get even more goofy.  Madison got to choose the first song for us to listen to, so I started going through all the K artists on my player to find Katy Perry because I know her so well.  Sure enough, she picked the song Firework.  So as we pull up to the stoplight with that song blaring, I could tell we were already being looked at.  Not a big deal because we are use to it and it actually makes us laugh, sing, and act even crazier.  Next was Kobe's song, Real Gone from the movie Cars.  Now Kobe has joined in on the madness of singing, and it is always fun to look back and see that Kobe has fully joined the party.  My turn next, so I picked the song Blue Skies by Uncle Kracker which fit the day so perfect, just driving down the road with no need to rush, no where really to be.  Days like this are the moments where you stop and look at life, and you put everything in check.  The breeze blowing, the joy of having fun doing absolutely nothing.....these are the days where you sit back and realize that your life is almost so perfect, and that great things are coming in the summer months ahead.  Life is all about what you make it, the people you share it with, and the ability to take life's simple pleasures and realize that they may be small or simple but they are the important things.  Life is good, and of course there are a couple things that would really make life better but they will come in time and then everything will be perfect.  I already have so much to be thankful for but that doesn't stop me from wanting to have everything I want.  It is such an amazing trip to be on and to even be in this state compared to where I was last year at this time shows me that I have grown as a person, that I have come to realize what things in life truly matter, and that the best is yet to come.  We all go through our trials, our hard times where we hit the bottom.  We are being tested to see if we are ready for great things.  It is because of the tests that I've gone through that I know that I am ready.  I know that I have used my time wisely and that I have bettered myself.  It is an exciting time.  I think that this is why I love this time of year.  Spring is all about finding ourselves and renewing who we are and using what we've learned to blossom into the person we really want to become.  When you feel that way, it spreads to everyone around you and you have reached your potential, you've become the person you are meant to be.

Stay Strong and Never Give Up

One thing I have learned in the last couple years is that life will always have a curve ball in store for you when life seems to be going great.  I don't know how many times people felt the need to tell me how things go and that I was either wasting my time or that I would not be satisfied with the end result.  I was one of those people a while ago but I learned that the key to life is how you approach things.  People come and go in life.  Some you let go, so leave, and others you fight to keep. 

We all face trials and adversity on a daily basis.  We are in our own little world most of the time so our problems seem larger than anyone else's.  People always forget to slow it down and take a look at what they have instead of what they are chasing.  With everything I went through for the past two years I have learned to do exactly that.  I started over basically with nothing.  I had my car, my personal belongings and well, that was it.  I rented an apartment that had nothing in it so I sit here almost two years to the day later and look around where I live now.  I remember coming home from work and just not feeling like doing anything.  I was in some sort of depression which is understandable when you go from being with your kids every day to not being able to see them much.  No matter how bad it was I never questioned if I had made the right choice.  I kept trying to think of the big picture and when things seemed hopeless or bad I kept thinking that when this is all over that is when I'll be able to sit back and relax and know that I fought a hard fight and it was worth it.

It kills me as I've watched a couple of my friends go through the same fight that I did.  I tried to be there for them as much as I could because I know that the more support you have the less you question yourself and wonder if you are doing the best you can.  I am often reminded of a system that my daughter was using when learning how to read called chunking.  You have to take the same approach with any problem.  You have to break it down so that it doesn't overpower you.  You have to not let it eat at you and command your focus otherwise you close yourself off from life and what else is going on around you.  Many people will take the approach that what happens happens and if it is meant to be it will be.  I don't like that.  I like to think that we have control over our fate.  I'm not saying that those people who feel that way are wrong, I'm just saying that it isn't the way for me to go.  The more you go through the stronger you become, the smarter you get, and the more prepared you become to find what you want and take it and run with it when you find it. 

Busy Busy......but still taking the time to smell the roses

It is easy to get caught up in life.  Being a single parent is such a hard job yet at the same time a job that any of us would never give up.  We all have had that middle of the night wake up, where either our kid can't sleep or they are sick.  So we do what we can and we comfort our kids.  Sure the next day we are tired and yawning all day and we put up with our co-workers or friend's stupid jokes about "well you must have been up late wink wink" Yeah, it is called having kids! So between all that, making school lunches, checking to see if they really brushed their teeth by seeing if they have figured out the trick of wetting the toothbrush, and many other parental duties we still have to work.  In my case I also have papers to write for school.  Sometimes we feel like we are being pulled in 20 different directions and we need to take a break and put it all to the side.  Today was one of those days for me and the kids.  I woke up and hit the snooze alarm on my phone and as I lay there I started wondering what to do today.  First thing:  check the weather, no rain, so we have a green light for outdoor activity which is nice since it is spring like weather in June still.  We had talked about going to the zoo and my mom originally was going to go with but couldn't afterall, but I had already told the kids that we were going to the zoo.  This basically meant that either we still go to the zoo or I have to come up with something quick that is better than the zoo.  I started thinking.  There are 4 zoos all within an hour or hour and a half of home.  Do I head west to Rock Island?  What about south to Bloomington? Both of those zoos are nice but very small and once you are done there you are stuck in the middle of nowhere so I decided to scratch those off the list.  So I got up and figured let's head to Chicago because there is always plenty to do, there are two zoos to chose from and we like going up there.  Who doesn't like going into the heart of Chicago where you can people watch, hear free music in the park, and drive by that hideously ugly stadium where the Bears now play.  So we hit the road with no time table, no schedule, and no place to really be.  These are the days that I know I remember because of the memories we make.  It is great to take the kids into the city because they see so much there that they can't see at home.  We watched an amazing girl playing the violin outside of the Art Institute, a guy wearing a Superman cape for no reason at all, and a tattooed pale goth guy who made Marylin Manson look like a Sunday school teacher.  Madison saw a man laying in the grass sleeping and asked me if he was homeless......so I taught her to pay attention to detail by pointing out his fancy shoes and his Starbucks coffee, letting her know that just because someone is snoozing in the grass it doesn't mean that they have to be.  It is fun to watch her little wheels turn in her head and for her to start to understand that individuality is a good thing and that being comfortable doing what you like is the way to be.  Once we left the Silver Bean we got to see the Chicago staple, the little black kid playing the upside down bucket.  That kid was amazing had attracted quite the crowd.  Then we made it to Buckingham Fountain where the lesson of why there is a rainbow by the fountain occurred and made this dad feel smart! As I stood there watching my kids take everything in I wondered if in twenty years they would be standing where I was watching their own children and if I was starting something that they would do with their children to show them the world.  It has always been important to me to show the kids different things and take them different place.  We have sat on the dock in South Beach Miami watching a storm roll in.  We have seen Canada as we stood in awe of Niagra Falls.  We've seen Mexico and a storm ravaged South Padre Island in Texas.  They've already seen more and been to more states than many people. 
So today was about just going out there and doing whatever we wanted.  Sometimes it is hard doing all this alone simply because I spend the whole day being who they need me to be but who do I turn to when I need days like this for me, so I can keep it together and keep moving ahead? I know that day is coming where I'll be able to have adult conversations while walking through the zoo.....not that I don't enjoy the level they are now but I need that balance.  I don't want to be the only "adult" acting goofy and getting funny looks from people as we pass them, it would be nice to have that partner in crime.  So basically I guess the whole point of writing this is just to emphasize that more people need to have these types of days.  Do I think that paying $25 to park for an hour is highway robbery????  You bet it is but I can tell you this much, the smiles and laughter that I heard and saw in that hour was worth so much more than what I paid to park.  A month from now where our trip today randomly comes up in conversation I will know that we permanently made some great memories that last.  And maybe someday Madison and Kobe we finally realize why I take so many pictures and make them act like they like each other in them as they put their own kids through the same thing.  Nothing bonds family together like days like today.  And if you want your little flowers to grow up strong and beautiful you have to nurture them every chance you get.