Sorry for the lack of posts. I no longer have internet at home as I have been trying to focus mainly on school as I get close to the goal of graduation. Less than 8 weeks to go! I'm happy about this for sure. I have also been trying to get right financially which is easier said than done when you work less hours than you use to but I know that with school and needing to be at home for the kids that it would be rough for a little bit. Hopefully once I graduate I will be able to get that perfect job after all my hard work.
So since I have only internet on my phone most of my time online is only for school now. It has been a good summer though for me and the kids. We are still having great times, amazing stories to share, and real bonding talks. I can really say that our relationship is getting stronger and that Madison and Kobe's relationship is improving as Maddy gets older and realizes that as long as she acts like a big kid I will always treat her that way. One sad thing though is having to see the disappointment on her face sometimes when she talks about her mom and how she seems to be going back to her old ways of not including them or having some type of balance with her kids and her personal life. It hurts to see that because I never had a relationship with my dad and I see a lot of the same pain in Madison's eyes. She tries so hard to get her mother's approval yet seems to be only picked on and never praised for doing right or good. This is what happened to her mom while growing up as she still is constantly trying to gain her mothers approval even in her mid thirties. This is why Madison continues counseling and going to her girl empowerment group. This is why we sit down and talk and I get eye level and face to face with her to show her that we are in this together and that in me she always has someone to depend on and ask for help when she needs it. While I am trying to do the same with Kobe, the task is greater because he cannot express his thoughts and feelings like his sister can. The nice part is that he and I have a bond already, the same kind I have with Madison, yet also stronger. He knows he can come to me. He knows if he does wrong that yes I will let him know but he will get a hug and a "build up" at the end and not a tear down or threat like he does from someone else.
We all have struggles and challenges. We all attack them in different ways in order to reach our goals. The important thing to remember is that everyone's journey is different and that we all have to show compassion and lend a helping hand to those who need it. Helping someone is a great way to give back for all the help you've gotten when you needed it.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
A Quiet House, How Odd
What to do during summer when your two kids go on vacation with their mom and you are left home alone? I was faced with that question yesterday as my kids left at 8 am and would not return for 121 hours. The door shuts after hugging them goodbye and I stood in the hallway for about a minute trying to figure out my next move. It is a strange feeling to be alone for that amount of time as it rarely happens and when it does it feels so weird. I was ready for a break though as I had 3 whole days with no work and no kids. I decided to clean the house because who doesn't like a clean house? Not to mention that I could clean without having a path of new destruction to clean once I completed the original cycle of starting upstairs and ending in the basement. Once everything was done it was time to make a dent in the dreaded homework list for the final week of my Marketing class which has been more than a pain in the ass. Soon I had most of that done too. I decided that sunlight would be a good idea so I ran to the store. It is hard when you are so use to having two little shadows with you, so at ever turn in the store I'm looking behind me out of habit as to locate the two young ones who aren't there. It is a good habit but it always makes you feel like you are forgetting something. I have to admit though, it is nice to be in the car without having to listen to a Disney movie playing or Katy Perry bursting out the car speakers. Don't get me wrong, I will be goofy and sing along to "baby you're a firework" just to see Madison smile or reach back and give Kobe a high five but lately I've figured out that I need to have my time too in order to keep my sanity.
Realizing this came at a perfect time. Sometimes we get so caught up in doing for our kids that we forget about our own happiness and how important it is and how it truly matters. I'm a big believer in finding balance, as that has been a problem in the past for me. It has really helped me a great deal to learn how to be alone and that you can't depend on other people for your happiness. You need to make your own happiness and when you take on that type of thought process amazing things begin to happen. Life is constantly about push versus pull. Once we learn to let go of that and allow ourselves to be free and open life becomes easier, you are happier, and life doesn't stress you out as much.
So after pondering what to do next, I decided to lift weights. I made a deal with myself that once I had lifted I would ditch the structure and just be free for the rest of the day. I was able to work out for an hour and a half and the best part was that I wasn't trying to fit the workout into a window of time. Once I was done and showered I decided to watch a couple movies. In between movies I figured I should eat something but instead of the usual dinner choice of cereal when the kids are gone, I fired up the grill and made a burger. Not a big deal really but normally I wouldn't go through all the trouble for just me. I did it anyway because hey, I'm worth cooking for too even if I'm alone. So after the 2nd movie I was ready for sleep, I had a big day ahead.
Waking up on a weekend that I don't work and don't have kids was strange. I slept till 9, ran to the store, came home and got ready to go on a date. This was just no ordinary date, this was a hiking date which I must say that she sure came up with a great idea! It was a really good time, and the time passed by too fast. She is a wonderful girl, interesting, funny, smart, beautiful, the real deal. I'm really hoping that things go great. So, before I jinx it, I will move on. I dropped her at home and came home, again to my empty house with the exception of little Alley Cat. I must have been more tired than I thought from the hike because I found myself waking up over halfway through Step Brothers. I actually took a nap? Wow, that is so rare too! I'm living it up today! All in all it was a perfect day.
So that is how I've spent my first couple of days where I'm child free. Tomorrow will consist of going to the gym, hitting the track for a run and homework. The highlight of tomorrow though I'm sure will be hearing the kids on the phone, and hearing that they are having fun but that they miss me. That will get me through until Wednesday morning when the house no longer will be empty for a day as they go back to their mom's Thursday morning and will be gone for another 4 days and I'll do the whole empty house thing over again.
Realizing this came at a perfect time. Sometimes we get so caught up in doing for our kids that we forget about our own happiness and how important it is and how it truly matters. I'm a big believer in finding balance, as that has been a problem in the past for me. It has really helped me a great deal to learn how to be alone and that you can't depend on other people for your happiness. You need to make your own happiness and when you take on that type of thought process amazing things begin to happen. Life is constantly about push versus pull. Once we learn to let go of that and allow ourselves to be free and open life becomes easier, you are happier, and life doesn't stress you out as much.
So after pondering what to do next, I decided to lift weights. I made a deal with myself that once I had lifted I would ditch the structure and just be free for the rest of the day. I was able to work out for an hour and a half and the best part was that I wasn't trying to fit the workout into a window of time. Once I was done and showered I decided to watch a couple movies. In between movies I figured I should eat something but instead of the usual dinner choice of cereal when the kids are gone, I fired up the grill and made a burger. Not a big deal really but normally I wouldn't go through all the trouble for just me. I did it anyway because hey, I'm worth cooking for too even if I'm alone. So after the 2nd movie I was ready for sleep, I had a big day ahead.
Waking up on a weekend that I don't work and don't have kids was strange. I slept till 9, ran to the store, came home and got ready to go on a date. This was just no ordinary date, this was a hiking date which I must say that she sure came up with a great idea! It was a really good time, and the time passed by too fast. She is a wonderful girl, interesting, funny, smart, beautiful, the real deal. I'm really hoping that things go great. So, before I jinx it, I will move on. I dropped her at home and came home, again to my empty house with the exception of little Alley Cat. I must have been more tired than I thought from the hike because I found myself waking up over halfway through Step Brothers. I actually took a nap? Wow, that is so rare too! I'm living it up today! All in all it was a perfect day.
So that is how I've spent my first couple of days where I'm child free. Tomorrow will consist of going to the gym, hitting the track for a run and homework. The highlight of tomorrow though I'm sure will be hearing the kids on the phone, and hearing that they are having fun but that they miss me. That will get me through until Wednesday morning when the house no longer will be empty for a day as they go back to their mom's Thursday morning and will be gone for another 4 days and I'll do the whole empty house thing over again.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
What a Difference a Year Makes
I honestly can't remember the last time it was cold in July. I know in a couple days I'll be cursing the heat as I'm sweating to death but I do miss summer. We were in Missouri last week and it was summer there......95 degrees all week, lounging by the pool, getting sunburned. That is what summer is about right? It is really hard to believe that June is done and gone already and in a couple days there will be fireworks to watch.
A year ago at this time I was waiting to find out one of the biggest decisions in my life, and the summer before that saw me take the first step in a decision that was life changing for Kobe, Madison, and myself. It was a hard decision but a necessary one which was painful for the three of us in many ways but looking back on it now I have no regrets because we are much more happier than ever before. Court was all wrapped up and the judge gave us a date in the middle of July to come in for her final decision. Thankfully, when I look back now I don't remember how horrible it felt to have to sit and wait and wonder. I had my supporters, mostly family and some really good friends but I also had the people who kept telling me to prepare for the worst "because dad's don't ever get custody of their kids" . Those voices were the words of people who didn't me I guess. I live for my kids and put them first. To me, that is my job, that is my reason for being me, and for doing all the things I do. It is who I am.
During the last year though I have had the chance to really get to work on me, to get to know who I am again and what I want and where I want to be. It took me awhile to get it but the life lessons that I have learned have been great for me. Those lessons have helped me appreciate so many things, whether it is the smile and giggle of my daughter or watching the sun set while driving home with the windows open and the music blasting away. I've learned to not get fully caught up in life and stress, to appreciate the little things. I've learned that life is a gift and when people are important to you, you tell them and you continue to tell them every chance you get. I learned that from Kobe actually. Just for fun, yesterday I counted how many times he said "I love you dad". He said it 17 times! It started me thinking as to why he tells me that so often because here is an autistic boy who shares his emotions when most kids with autism do not. I started noticing when he would tell me he loved me and what we were doing at the time. There was no pattern, sometimes he said it for no reason. That is when it hit me and I again learned a lesson from my son, you don't need a reason to tell someone how you feel about them. I have always admired Kobe for sharing whatever is on his mind, actually I call it the lack of a Kobe filter. Kobe doesn't worry about what people think, Kobe speaks his mind. If he doesn't like something he will gladly tell you. This made me realize that wouldn't it be great if we all could do this? I don't know how many times I've held something back because I feared the answer, or feared rejection. You get a true sense of freedom when you decide to let it fly and don't hold anything back. It really works. Sometimes with surprising and amazing results as I have recently found.
So as I write this I have to question where I will be a year from now as I sift through all these blog posts and read this one. The summer of 2011 and 2012 held huge life changes for me and it really makes me excited as to think that the trend will continue. It is so great to have such high hopes and a great outlook on life again like I have for the last couple of years. I see my kids and the progression they have made and it makes me see that I've done a pretty good job over the last couple years and that I'm continuing in the right direction. So, as time moves on and the summer ahead holds good times yet to be had, I hope that next summer when I read this and reflect on the summer of 2013 that I have great things to add
A year ago at this time I was waiting to find out one of the biggest decisions in my life, and the summer before that saw me take the first step in a decision that was life changing for Kobe, Madison, and myself. It was a hard decision but a necessary one which was painful for the three of us in many ways but looking back on it now I have no regrets because we are much more happier than ever before. Court was all wrapped up and the judge gave us a date in the middle of July to come in for her final decision. Thankfully, when I look back now I don't remember how horrible it felt to have to sit and wait and wonder. I had my supporters, mostly family and some really good friends but I also had the people who kept telling me to prepare for the worst "because dad's don't ever get custody of their kids" . Those voices were the words of people who didn't me I guess. I live for my kids and put them first. To me, that is my job, that is my reason for being me, and for doing all the things I do. It is who I am.
During the last year though I have had the chance to really get to work on me, to get to know who I am again and what I want and where I want to be. It took me awhile to get it but the life lessons that I have learned have been great for me. Those lessons have helped me appreciate so many things, whether it is the smile and giggle of my daughter or watching the sun set while driving home with the windows open and the music blasting away. I've learned to not get fully caught up in life and stress, to appreciate the little things. I've learned that life is a gift and when people are important to you, you tell them and you continue to tell them every chance you get. I learned that from Kobe actually. Just for fun, yesterday I counted how many times he said "I love you dad". He said it 17 times! It started me thinking as to why he tells me that so often because here is an autistic boy who shares his emotions when most kids with autism do not. I started noticing when he would tell me he loved me and what we were doing at the time. There was no pattern, sometimes he said it for no reason. That is when it hit me and I again learned a lesson from my son, you don't need a reason to tell someone how you feel about them. I have always admired Kobe for sharing whatever is on his mind, actually I call it the lack of a Kobe filter. Kobe doesn't worry about what people think, Kobe speaks his mind. If he doesn't like something he will gladly tell you. This made me realize that wouldn't it be great if we all could do this? I don't know how many times I've held something back because I feared the answer, or feared rejection. You get a true sense of freedom when you decide to let it fly and don't hold anything back. It really works. Sometimes with surprising and amazing results as I have recently found.
So as I write this I have to question where I will be a year from now as I sift through all these blog posts and read this one. The summer of 2011 and 2012 held huge life changes for me and it really makes me excited as to think that the trend will continue. It is so great to have such high hopes and a great outlook on life again like I have for the last couple of years. I see my kids and the progression they have made and it makes me see that I've done a pretty good job over the last couple years and that I'm continuing in the right direction. So, as time moves on and the summer ahead holds good times yet to be had, I hope that next summer when I read this and reflect on the summer of 2013 that I have great things to add
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