What do you say, when you're not sure what to say

I know that I share a great relationship and bond with my daughter.  Madison shares my unique sense of humor and her and I can laugh and just connect by being silly or acting funny.  My kids are like night and day most of the time.  Kobe is predictable, he acts the same day in and day out.  It is quite the occasion when every once in a while he makes a joke or starts laughing hysterically at something.  It is so awesome to see him do that because in many ways when all three of us laugh and are having a great time, Kobe seems to be just like every other 13 year old kid. 
This weekend, the kid's mom asked if she could take them to a graduation party.  I agreed that she could since it was her family and I do try to encourage that type of relationship with the kids.  Without getting into detail, both kids obviously love their mom but they both have rocky relationships with her because she is very manipulative and well, selfish.  Most parents always put their kids first and what's best for their kids first.  Not so much in her case.  As their mom pulled into a parking space Madison got upset because she was early.  As I gave Madison a hug she asked me if she had to go.  Madison said that she doesn't like going to her mom's house because there is nothing to do there and she didn't want to go.  What do you say to that?  I explained to her why she was going to her mom's which was answered with "but it is your weekend dad, I want to spend time with you".  And then it happened.  I had thought that I was doing the right thing by letting them go.  It was the right thing, but I decided right then and there that the decision is not just mine to make.  Madison asked me if I didn't want to see her that weekend.  I knew that I was running out of time for this conversation as her mom was walking up the driveway and I did not want her mom hearing that she did not want to go, in fear that her mom would be ticked and take it out on Madison.  I gave Madison a hug and whispered to her that I did want to spend time with her but her mom does too, and that I will miss her and Kobe the second they pull out of the driveway and that she never has to wonder because I miss her very much when she's not home.  I could feel the relief come over her.  It was weird because at that moment I understood that I need to talk to her about choices a little more.  I also realized that my little 8 year old has grown up a lot in the last couple years.
I was the same age as Madison when my parents got divorced.  Things were different back then and I didn't know much of what was going on.  I never really talked with my mom about the divorce or the reasons for it.  I have taken a different approach with my kids.  They go to counseling to help them deal with it and to also let them know that many other kids go through the same thing.  I also have tried to have open communication with Madison mainly so that she knows if she has questions she can come to me and ask.  So when Madison came home Saturday night that was the first thing we sat down and talked about, how she didn't want to go with her mom but mainly that I let them go with her because it was a special occasion.  We also addressed that I do want to spend time with them and that just because I gave up a day on my weekend with them, that doesn't mean that I want to spend less time with them. I am very glad that she said that to me because when I was a kid I never spoke up or asked questions.  Instead of Madison thinking that her dad doesn't want to spend time with her, she knows the real reason and that it isn't about that.  We adults often don't look at things the way kids do and for that reason I am so glad that my daughter can come talk to me because I know how important that will be in the coming years. 
Divorce comes with papers, expensive ones at that! They don't come with instructions though for how to help your kids get through it.  Unfortunately you have to go through it to learn how to deal with it, just like many other paths in life.  When you do that you are forced to learn on the fly but as you get older, you also start to anticipate the bumps in the road a little better.  The nice thing is that the three of us are going through all this together and I think we are doing it well.  I have seen Kobe really excell this year in school and he is the sweetest 13 year old I know.  Madison has made huge progress in school but mainly just in her self confidence and her attitude.  Last school year she was having a hard time with the adjustment of me not living with them and the tension of being put in the middle of things.  She had started putting up walls and secluding herself and I'm sure she wondered if she was to blame for any of it like most kids do.  But in the last 10 months her drawing have become happier and she no longer hangs her head or mumbles.  I see a little girl who knows that her voice is listened to and heard.  She has a sense of safety and comfort in a home where there is no yelling and scream for trivial bs reasons.  We live in a home now where we can talk to each other and we discuss things, where they don't have to be scared to say anything.  They no longer live with daily anxiety.  The best way to describe it is the three of us no longer walk on egg shells.  It took awhile but they know if they accidentally spill a glass of milk or do something accidentally that they aren't going to be screamed at.  They know that we clean it up and that is that.  I see the change in them both and I know that the struggle was worth it, that everything we had to go through to get to this point was very necessary because this is the life they deserve to live, and I do too.  I wanted to break the cycle, I didn't want my kids growing up thinking that the life they were forced to live was the way it is suppose to be.  My house is filled with laughter these days and when I hear that I know that the path I chose was for sure the right one to travel!

A Day Without Meds

Occasionally Kobe sleeps in, and when he does on the weekend, every once in a while he doesn't get his medicine.  He takes a medication called Focalin XR.  This medicine is suppose to help him focus in school so he can sit still long enough to pay attention to reading, math, etc.  I still give him his medicine on the weekends because I can only imagine how he must feel to have something help "ground" him but then not take it sometimes.  Structure and consistancy is important.  Today was one of those days without medicine simply because he slept until almost 11 am.  I was curious to see how he is without it because it has been since last summer since I've been around him for the day without his Focalin. 

I've been watching him close today and I realize that it is a weekend but he seems to be doing pretty "normal".  He was diagnosed as having ADD/ADHD.  Kobe has never had any type of hyper activity so this has always baffled me.  Kobe has always been low key but the teachers at school have been able to tell a difference on days that he hasn't had his medication.  He has listened really well today with the exception of being told to put jeans on and coming down stairs wearing jean shorts.  The funny thing is that he knew when he came downstairs that he hadn't done what I asked him but was wearing jean shorts.  I guess it is a good thing to see that he is functioning good without the meds but now the question is, does he need it?  It is hard to know what is best for him at this point. He is 13 and you start to wonder if medication is the way to go, or how much it is actually helping him at this point.  So you also start to wonder if it is hurting him even though it is "safe" by the FDA standards. I am now the one who makes these decisions for Kobe, and I want to do what is best for him.  I am considering taking him off the Focalin for the summer and going from there.  He could use an appetite for the summer, he has gotten so much taller in the last year but still weighs the same.  The Gluten Free Diet also has made his menu much smaller which hasn't helped him gain weight.  I hate this. I hate that I have to constantly question and tweek what I'm doing for him.  Makes a parent feel like they are in some type of science experiment.  So basically, if anyone has any input on this subject I would greatly appreciate it.  I know that some people who read my blog have children also on medication so I'm curious if they have had the same questions too.  Please feel free to leave your comments or even message me on Facebook.

A Quick View From Kobe's Seat

Sometimes being different is a good thing!

Imagine having a disability that crowds your head with thoughts but gives you a limitted way to express them. Or how about knowing what you want to say but not having the ability to get it out, then imagine having that anxiety all day, every day of your life.

My son is 13 and in many ways is a typical teenager. He hates getting up in the morning and would sleep until 11 am if I let him I'm sure.  When he isn't on his ADHD meds he devours food like he hasn't eaten for days.  He likes to ride his bike, he likes to shoot baskets at the park.  He likes to play games on his Ipad or watch cartoon on it.  My son is also the typical 7 year old too.  He likes movies like Toy Story, Ice Age, and Peter Pan.  He has to have all the toys and characters with him when he goes somewhere.  He likes his stuffed animals, he has just started to enjoy drawing and coloring.  He sometimes gets clingy.  The looks you get when you are out in public sometimes are interesting when your son, who is almost the same height as you, holds your hand, gives you a huge hug, or kisses your cheek.  I use to care what people thought. Now, all I care about is what he thinks and how so many parents who have an autistic child would kill to have their child show them any type of affection. 

As far as the severity of Kobe's disability, I consider it to be mild.  I think this way because I know that things could be so much worse for him and like I said, I get the pleasure of raising a child who is so unique, so loving, and so amazing in his own way.  I remember walking into Kobe's kindergarten class and seeing all the kids in wheelchairs, kids who could barely walk, kids who couldn't talk.  I also have had the pleasure of seeing these kids grow up too.  I also have seen how many of the parents of these children have embraced their children for who they are.  Some of the kids have parents who I've never seen or met and that doesn't make them bad parents in any way but you can't help but notice that these are the kids who seem like they've been given up on and left alone.  To me, that is just so sad.  Needless to say I know that when my son is at school that the teachers in his classroom are great with him and for some of these kids, that's all they have. 

Having a child with autism is good and bad but you have to be able to look at all the good things.  Being able to do that took awhile for me because I knew nothing about autism when Kobe was diagnosed.  You go into denial.  You think of all the things your child won't ever be able to do.  This is why I think some parents write their own children off and just accept things.  That is a big mistake! I soon stopped focusing on how different Kobe was and starting thinking how unique my son is.  Instead of my teenage son telling me that I'm lame or that he hates me I get to hear that I'm his best friend every day and "I love you dad".  I get to hear about his day and when most kids his age are out getting into trouble with their friends, my son is hanging out at home where I know he is safe and not getting into trouble or having negative influences shape his young life.  Kobe is Kobe.  He doesn't care if he is looked at as cool.  He doesn't try to impress anyone.  He does what he likes and he is oblivious to the opinions of other people.  I have always admired that about him, that he is comfortable being himself. 

Of course I wonder about his future......will he be able to drive?  Will he have his own place?  What is in his future and what does it hold?  For now though we just live one day at a time trying to keep things as normal as possible for him, having some routine and structure.  When people think of kids with autism they think of constant meltdowns, tantrums, and whatever else they've seen on television or read in books.  Kobe is about as mellow and mild mannered as they come.  Sure I may have to tell him to go brush his teeth three times before he does it but that is the teenager in him coming out.  The biggest compliment I always get from teachers and people who know Kobe is that he is a great person and that everybody knows him and loves him.  It isn't always easy being a parent, especially when you have a special needs child.  You read so much about this and that, what things help, what not to do. Often I almost feel like the poor kid is in an experiment betwen his diet, medication, acne issues, etc.  It is especially hard when he seems to do so well at home, yet comes home from visiting his mom with self inflicted bite marks.  I know he does that when he is frustrated or angry and I wish he could tell me why he does those things.  That is by far the worse part, not knowing how he is being treated.  It obviously isn't good and his treatment probably hasn't changed much and it makes me so mad since one of the main reasons I was given sole custody was because of how the kids were being treated.  One of these days, Kobe will be pushed too far because we all have our breaking points.

When Kobe was born in 1999 the statistic was 1 out of every 200 kids born would be autistic.  Today I believe that statistic is 1 out of every 88 and who knows, it could be even lower by now.  I won't preach but something needs to be done.  It is an obvious problem and so many people don't even realize it until they know someone or have a child who is autistic.  I am one of those people.  I have 13 years of experience under my belt though now and I'm still learning about it, trying different things to help Kobe.  In many ways though Kobe has taught me about life.  He has taught me so much in those 13 years and I don't know who either of us would be if we hadn't gone through what we've been through.  I don't look at him as a child with autism.  I look at him and can't imagine him being anything other than who he is.  I'll gladly take him the way he is and help him celebrate his individuality in a world where everyone is told how to be.  Kobe has no interest in being another sheep in the flock. He's blazing his own trail and I'm proud to be along for the ride.

That Awkward Moment When......

This exchange took place a couple weeks ago and it floored me enough to give me the inspiration to start this blog rolling.

 I took the kids to the park one Saturday because it was finally nice out after a long cold spring.  Generally we cycle through the parks in Ottawa, we've given each park a name so when we get to the point in the car where we debate which one to go to we can keep them all straight.  On this day we decided to hit the park known as "the castle park" because the "riverwalk park" was under about six feet of water because of another amazing flood.  We got to the park and the kids scattered so I hit the bench to just enjoy the day as I knew that my "me" time wasn't going to last long.  About two minutes later I was being begged to play tag so away we went.  After about 15 minutes of running around I snuck out of the game to rest since there were now about seven kids playing tag with my two kids. 
I sat down and on the next bench was a woman in her 60's probably, the gramma to one of the kids now playing tag.  She decided to strike up a conversation with me and started by asking which kids were mine.  About thirty seconds into the chit chat she asked if my wife was working today and unable to enjoy the nice day.  I politely said oh no, I'm not married anymore.  She appologized and then stuck her foot in her mouth again by saying something about how nice it is to see a dad spending quality time with his kids on his weekend with them.  Normally I would have just let it slide and I know that she wasn't trying to be rude or anything but I felt the need to let her know that sometimes it is better to let the other person explain their story than to jump to conclusions.  I also was thinking what her next comment could be.....I know dads don't get custody very often but sometimes it is for the best and people just don't get that sometimes.  I told her that the kids were home for the weekend and we decided to go to the park after the kids finished cleaning their rooms.  I watched as the lightbulb flickered in her head and I think she got it. 
I switched the conversation to who she was at the park with.  She started telling me about her daughter's son, Blake, and how she watches him on the weekends while her daughter works.  When she figured out that my kids live with me full time I could tell because she seemed to become more friendly and talkative.  I hate the stereotype so many people have of dads and how they have no idea what they are doing with their own children.  I understand that even in today's society, the role that men play is usually not one of the caregiver but I think that is changing.  I think more men are becoming better fathers to their own children because of the things they dealt with growing up, not having a father figure.  This is what drove me to be who I am today.  
So basically that inspired me to write because I hate how everyone assumes when they see a guy out with his kids that he is in "visitation" mode or that his wife trusted him enough to take the kids for an hour or two.  It bothered me in the past but I've gotten to the point where I don't have anything to prove to anyone and that other people's opinions of me don't mean anything.  The important people know me and my situation and the new people I meet will get the explanation when the time comes.  I want those people, the ones who don't get it, to know that some guys can raise kids and that gender stereotypes are a thing of the past.  It's about being a well rounded person who can be independant and take care of themselves. That's why in this house we all cook, we all play sports.....we don't let our gender limit what we can and can't do.  I don't want my kids growing up thinking that they are limited in what they can do based on what other people will think of them.

The first blog of many

I will be starting a new blog that deals with, follows me and my kids weekly adventures, and might help some parents along the way realize that maybe their life is actually pretty normal! I have done blogs in the past as a way to release, vent, and keep my sanity.....now though, I am going to show the lighter side of things, keeping it simple and having a few laughs along the way.  Maybe I'll get some followers, maybe not. Maybe I will get some people who can relate to my situation or maybe I will be able to show a few people that they aren't as alone in all this as they might have thought they were.  Either way, I'm going to write so I hope that someone will read it!

So since this is the first blog I guess I need to give a little back story here.......so where do I start?  I will start last July 18th because to me, that is when the dramatic life changing event took place.  I was sitting in a court room eagerly listening to a judge determine how my life was going to go. I know what you're already thinking and no, it wasn't criminal court. This was divorce court.  It had been about 13 months after I separated from my wife and we were in a custody battle for the kids.  I won't get into the whats and why and all that but the judge was about to make her decision.  As she addressed the courtroom my heart began to beat quickly and all the stress, saddness, fright, and every other possible emotion was meeting in my head all at the same time.  She went through all the stuff that I couldn't care less about:  who got the house, who got this, blah blah blah.  I was listening yet I wasn't because I just wanted her to get to the kids. And she saved it for last of course.  I sat there, in disbelief I wasn't sure how to emotionally act.  I waited so long for the decision and then it was spoken by the only person whose opinion mattered to me.  Complete control of the minor children never sounded so good.  At that point, the relief hit me like a ton of bricks and it felt so good even though I couldn't believe that it was over.  Talk about feeling like dancing and yelling joyfully at the top of your lungs.  Of course that wasn't the last time I stepped into the courtroom because there was a petition to reconsider which was denied, and as if that wasn't good enough, our custody case was taken by my ex wife to the next higher court in Illinois because she claimed the judge abused her power in awarding me custody.  After thousands of dollars spent in divorce court I got to again spend thousands of dollars all because she didn't agree with the decision that was made.  Anyone who knows the facts of the case, the stories of mental and emotional abuse that my kids have been put through all agreed that the kids were where they belonged and that no court would change that based on the facts.  At the end of March I got the phone call from my lawyer telling me that the court upheld the original ruling.  So for now, court is over.  I say for now because their mom said she intends to fight it again every chance she gets.  To that I say bring it on because the law states that custody will not change unless there is a major issue of abuse or if the kids are not being taken care of.  That will never happen.
So at the beginning of August 2012 my kids came to live with me for about 26 days out of the month.  We moved into a nice townhouse, where they each have their own bedrooms with huge walk in closets (while I get the unfinished basement!).  They love it here, they are doing awesome in school, we have our routine down, life is good for the most part.  I take so much pride in being their dad and it is my most important job.  We are not the typical family by any means.  My son Kobe is autistic which makes many days quite the adventure.  There will be many future posts I'm sure sharing those adventures.  It is going to be a great summer, many adventures, and so much to share.  I hope you all enjoy this blog and feel free to comment whenever you like......feedback is always welcome : )