I know that I share a great relationship and bond with my daughter. Madison shares my unique sense of humor and her and I can laugh and just connect by being silly or acting funny. My kids are like night and day most of the time. Kobe is predictable, he acts the same day in and day out. It is quite the occasion when every once in a while he makes a joke or starts laughing hysterically at something. It is so awesome to see him do that because in many ways when all three of us laugh and are having a great time, Kobe seems to be just like every other 13 year old kid.
This weekend, the kid's mom asked if she could take them to a graduation party. I agreed that she could since it was her family and I do try to encourage that type of relationship with the kids. Without getting into detail, both kids obviously love their mom but they both have rocky relationships with her because she is very manipulative and well, selfish. Most parents always put their kids first and what's best for their kids first. Not so much in her case. As their mom pulled into a parking space Madison got upset because she was early. As I gave Madison a hug she asked me if she had to go. Madison said that she doesn't like going to her mom's house because there is nothing to do there and she didn't want to go. What do you say to that? I explained to her why she was going to her mom's which was answered with "but it is your weekend dad, I want to spend time with you". And then it happened. I had thought that I was doing the right thing by letting them go. It was the right thing, but I decided right then and there that the decision is not just mine to make. Madison asked me if I didn't want to see her that weekend. I knew that I was running out of time for this conversation as her mom was walking up the driveway and I did not want her mom hearing that she did not want to go, in fear that her mom would be ticked and take it out on Madison. I gave Madison a hug and whispered to her that I did want to spend time with her but her mom does too, and that I will miss her and Kobe the second they pull out of the driveway and that she never has to wonder because I miss her very much when she's not home. I could feel the relief come over her. It was weird because at that moment I understood that I need to talk to her about choices a little more. I also realized that my little 8 year old has grown up a lot in the last couple years.
I was the same age as Madison when my parents got divorced. Things were different back then and I didn't know much of what was going on. I never really talked with my mom about the divorce or the reasons for it. I have taken a different approach with my kids. They go to counseling to help them deal with it and to also let them know that many other kids go through the same thing. I also have tried to have open communication with Madison mainly so that she knows if she has questions she can come to me and ask. So when Madison came home Saturday night that was the first thing we sat down and talked about, how she didn't want to go with her mom but mainly that I let them go with her because it was a special occasion. We also addressed that I do want to spend time with them and that just because I gave up a day on my weekend with them, that doesn't mean that I want to spend less time with them. I am very glad that she said that to me because when I was a kid I never spoke up or asked questions. Instead of Madison thinking that her dad doesn't want to spend time with her, she knows the real reason and that it isn't about that. We adults often don't look at things the way kids do and for that reason I am so glad that my daughter can come talk to me because I know how important that will be in the coming years.
Divorce comes with papers, expensive ones at that! They don't come with instructions though for how to help your kids get through it. Unfortunately you have to go through it to learn how to deal with it, just like many other paths in life. When you do that you are forced to learn on the fly but as you get older, you also start to anticipate the bumps in the road a little better. The nice thing is that the three of us are going through all this together and I think we are doing it well. I have seen Kobe really excell this year in school and he is the sweetest 13 year old I know. Madison has made huge progress in school but mainly just in her self confidence and her attitude. Last school year she was having a hard time with the adjustment of me not living with them and the tension of being put in the middle of things. She had started putting up walls and secluding herself and I'm sure she wondered if she was to blame for any of it like most kids do. But in the last 10 months her drawing have become happier and she no longer hangs her head or mumbles. I see a little girl who knows that her voice is listened to and heard. She has a sense of safety and comfort in a home where there is no yelling and scream for trivial bs reasons. We live in a home now where we can talk to each other and we discuss things, where they don't have to be scared to say anything. They no longer live with daily anxiety. The best way to describe it is the three of us no longer walk on egg shells. It took awhile but they know if they accidentally spill a glass of milk or do something accidentally that they aren't going to be screamed at. They know that we clean it up and that is that. I see the change in them both and I know that the struggle was worth it, that everything we had to go through to get to this point was very necessary because this is the life they deserve to live, and I do too. I wanted to break the cycle, I didn't want my kids growing up thinking that the life they were forced to live was the way it is suppose to be. My house is filled with laughter these days and when I hear that I know that the path I chose was for sure the right one to travel!
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