Goals & Life

We often get so wrapped up in life that we get caught in a rut and don't know how to get out.  I have learned that it is truly important to push yourself because without working on who you are, we never evolve or show our full potential.  Everyone has something to offer the world, you just have to find out what it is.  I sit here typing this and pause to look back on where I was a year ago.  A year ago I was not in school, I had no real direction.  I was trying to find myself and who I was.  I had just moved into my townhouse and was busy trying to make it our home.  I had no goals, no plan really.  I was in a holding pattern, just waiting for the stars to align.  One thing I have learned is that while everything happens for a reason, some things won't happen without purpose......meaning that if you want things to be different you need to approach them in a different way.  I needed to figure out which direction I was heading in life.  I began to stop the pitty party from all that had happened the prior year or two.  This process didn't happen over night.  It truly has taken a year and it is still a work in progress.  Knowing that though is part of the process to which you can change your life a day at a time.

Once I could sign up for school again and I had the documentation I needed to continue I jumped right in.  I enjoy my job.  It allows me to be with the kids as much as possible.  At that time, I knew that a college degree would open so many new doors for me, allow me to make more money, but also take more time away from the kids.  It is one of those things where you realize that as they get older they aren't going to need you as much as they begin to become more independant.  A better life comes with the college degree, or should I say more opportunity comes with it.  Now that I have obtained it though I am ready to use it and walk through the wide open door of opportunity. 

During my last class, our final assignment was to write a reflection paper which was to cover the time from when we started college until now.  That paper really opened my eyes along with what we were learning about goal setting.  I decided to try it, to write down my goals that I want to reach in the next year.  I was feeling pretty good considering I knew that I was about to accomplish a major goal in graduating so I already had a great head start for the year.  Not only did I do this for me but I also made up a sticker chart for the kids where they work to earn stickers which they can then basically earn things.  We have always had a loose type of goal structure but I realized that they weren't really learning it right the old way we were doing things.  That chart has been great because if we go to the store and they ask for something I just remind them that they need to check the chart to see what they have earned.  The headaches that has saved alone has been worth it! 

Goals can be anything we want.  My goals for the next year consist of school, relationships, jobs, money, and happiness.  When I look at them now I see how they all intertwine and how having a plan how to achieve them makes them seem right there and ready to grab.  I know I sound like a Tony Robbins infomercial but this is my blog and this is what works for me.  Try it, it may just work for you too!

No internet, no postings

Sorry for the lack of posts.  I no longer have internet at home as I have been trying to focus mainly on school as I get close to the goal of graduation.  Less than 8 weeks to go!  I'm happy about this for sure.  I have also been trying to get right financially which is easier said than done when you work less hours than you use to but I know that with school and needing to be at home for the kids that it would be rough for a little bit.  Hopefully once I graduate I will be able to get that perfect job after all my hard work. 

So since I have only internet on my phone most of my time online is only for school now.  It has been a good summer though for me and the kids.  We are still having great times, amazing stories to share, and real bonding talks.  I can really say that our relationship is getting stronger and that Madison and Kobe's relationship is improving as Maddy gets older and realizes that as long as she acts like a big kid I will always treat her that way.  One sad thing though is having to see the disappointment on her face sometimes when she talks about her mom and how she seems to be going back to her old ways of not including them or having some type of balance with her kids and her personal life.  It hurts to see that because I never had a relationship with my dad and I see a lot of the same pain in Madison's eyes.  She tries so hard to get her mother's approval yet seems to be only picked on and never praised for doing right or good.  This is what happened to her mom while growing up as she still is constantly trying to gain her mothers approval even in her mid thirties.  This is why Madison continues counseling and going to her girl empowerment group.  This is why we sit down and talk and I get eye level and face to face with her to show her that we are in this together and that in me she always has someone to depend on and ask for help when she needs it.  While I am trying to do the same with Kobe, the task is greater because he cannot express his thoughts and feelings like his sister can.  The nice part is that he and I have a bond already, the same kind I have with Madison, yet also stronger.  He knows he can come to me.  He knows if he does wrong that yes I will let him know but he will get a hug and a "build up" at the end and not a tear down or threat like he does from someone else. 

We all have struggles and challenges.  We all attack them in different ways in order to reach our goals.  The important thing to remember is that everyone's journey is different and that we all have to show compassion and lend a helping hand to those who need it.  Helping someone is a great way to give back for all the help you've gotten when you needed it. 

A Quiet House, How Odd

What to do during summer when your two kids go on vacation with their mom and you are left home alone?  I was faced with that question yesterday as my kids left at 8 am and would not return for 121 hours. The door shuts after hugging them goodbye and I stood in the hallway for about a minute trying to figure out my next move.  It is a strange feeling to be alone for that amount of time as it rarely happens and when it does it feels so weird.  I was ready for a break though as I had 3 whole days with no work and no kids.  I decided to clean the house because who doesn't like a clean house? Not to mention that I could clean without having a path of new destruction to clean once I completed the original cycle of starting upstairs and ending in the basement.  Once everything was done it was time to make a dent in the dreaded homework list for the final week of my Marketing class which has been more than a pain in the ass.  Soon I had most of that done too.  I decided that sunlight would be a good idea so I ran to the store.  It is hard when you are so use to having two little shadows with you, so at ever turn in the store I'm looking behind me out of habit as to locate the two young ones who aren't there.  It is a good habit but it always makes you feel like you are forgetting something.  I have to admit though, it is nice to be in the car without having to listen to a Disney movie playing or Katy Perry bursting out the car speakers.  Don't get me wrong, I will be goofy and sing along to "baby you're a firework" just to see Madison smile or reach back and give Kobe a high five but lately I've figured out that I need to have my time too in order to keep my sanity.

 Realizing this came at a perfect time.  Sometimes we get so caught up in doing for our kids that we forget about our own happiness and how important it is and how it truly matters.  I'm a big believer in finding balance, as that has been a problem in the past for me.  It has really helped me a great deal to learn how to be alone and that you can't depend on other people for your happiness.  You need to make your own happiness and when you take on that type of thought process amazing things begin to happen.  Life is constantly about push versus pull.  Once we learn to let go of that and allow ourselves to be free and open life becomes easier, you are happier, and life doesn't stress you out as much.

So after pondering what to do next, I decided to lift weights.  I made a deal with myself that once I had lifted I would ditch the structure and just be free for the rest of the day.  I was able to work out for an hour and a half and the best part was that I wasn't trying to fit the workout into a window of time.  Once I was done and showered I decided to watch a couple movies.  In between movies I figured I should eat something but instead of the usual dinner choice of cereal when the kids are gone, I fired up the grill and made a burger.  Not a big deal really but normally I wouldn't go through all the trouble for just me.  I did it anyway because hey, I'm worth cooking for too even if I'm alone.  So after the 2nd movie I was ready for sleep, I had a big day ahead.

Waking up on a weekend that I don't work and don't have kids was strange.  I slept till 9, ran to the store, came home and got ready to go on a date.  This was just no ordinary date, this was a hiking date which I must say that she sure came up with a great idea! It was a really good time, and the time passed by too fast.  She is a wonderful girl, interesting, funny, smart, beautiful, the real deal.  I'm really hoping that things go great.  So, before I jinx it, I will move on.  I dropped her at home and came home, again to my empty house with the exception of little Alley Cat.  I must have been more tired than I thought from the hike because I found myself waking up over halfway through Step Brothers. I actually took a nap?  Wow, that is so rare too! I'm living it up today! All in all it was a perfect day.

So that is how I've spent my first couple of days where I'm child free.  Tomorrow will consist of going to the gym, hitting the track for a run and homework.  The highlight of tomorrow though I'm sure will be hearing the kids on the phone, and hearing that they are having fun but that they miss me.  That will get me through until Wednesday morning when the house no longer will be empty for a day as they go back to their mom's Thursday morning and will be gone for another 4 days and I'll do the whole empty house thing over again.

What a Difference a Year Makes

I honestly can't remember the last time it was cold in July.  I know in a couple days I'll be cursing the heat as I'm sweating to death but I do miss summer.  We were in Missouri last week and it was summer there......95 degrees all week, lounging by the pool, getting sunburned.  That is what summer is about right?  It is really hard to believe that June is done and gone already and in a couple days there will be fireworks to watch. 

A year ago at this time I was waiting to find out one of the biggest decisions in my life, and the summer before that saw me take the first step in a decision that was life changing for Kobe, Madison, and myself.  It was a hard decision but a necessary one which was painful for the three of us in many ways but looking back on it now I have no regrets because we are much more happier than ever before.  Court was all wrapped up and the judge gave us a date in the middle of July to come in for her final decision.  Thankfully, when I look back now I don't remember how horrible it felt to have to sit and wait and wonder.  I had my supporters, mostly family and some really good friends but I also had the people who kept telling me to prepare for the worst "because dad's don't ever get custody of their kids" .  Those voices were the words of people who didn't me I guess.  I live for my kids and put them first.  To me, that is my job, that is my reason for being me, and for doing all the things I do.  It is who I am.

During the last year though I have had the chance to really get to work on me, to get to know who I am again and what I want and where I want to be.  It took me awhile to get it but the life lessons that I have learned have been great for me.  Those lessons have helped me appreciate so many things, whether it is the smile and giggle of my daughter or watching the sun set while driving home with the windows open and the music blasting away.  I've learned to not get fully caught up in life and stress, to appreciate the little things.  I've learned that life is a gift and when people are important to you, you tell them and you continue to tell them every chance you get.  I learned that from Kobe actually.  Just for fun, yesterday I counted how many times he said "I love you dad".  He said it 17 times! It started me thinking as to why he tells me that so often because here is an autistic boy who shares his emotions when most kids with autism do not.  I started noticing when he would tell me he loved me and what we were doing at the time.  There was no pattern, sometimes he said it for no reason.  That is when it hit me and I again learned a lesson from my son, you don't need a reason to tell someone how you feel about them.  I have always admired Kobe for sharing whatever is on his mind, actually I call it the lack of a Kobe filter.  Kobe doesn't worry about what people think, Kobe speaks his mind.  If he doesn't like something he will gladly tell you.  This made me realize that wouldn't it be great if we all could do this?  I don't know how many times I've held something back because I feared the answer, or feared rejection.  You get a true sense of freedom when you decide to let it fly and don't hold anything back.  It really works.  Sometimes with surprising and amazing results as I have recently found.

So as I write this I have to question where I will be a year from now as I sift through all these blog posts and read this one.  The summer of 2011 and 2012 held huge life changes for me and it really makes me excited as to think that the trend will continue.  It is so great to have such high hopes and a great outlook on life again like I have for the last couple of years.  I see my kids and the progression they have made and it makes me see that I've done a pretty good job over the last couple years and that I'm continuing in the right direction.  So, as time moves on and the summer ahead holds good times yet to be had, I hope that next summer when I read this and reflect on the summer of 2013 that I have great things to add

A Nice Start to Summer......All Blue Skies Ahead

So I really should be doing homework right now but I've been going all day and don't feel like starting a paper quite yet! So I figured that I would write a little here just to avoid homework and just rethink the day.  Mondays are nice.  Yes, that is a complete sentence for me because I always have Monday off.  So the day started off by sleeping in which was cut short as I got a pillow thrown at me.  This is not unusual at our house.  Most mornings whoever wakes up first, they get the joy of annoying the other two people enough so that we all are up shortly.  I must admit that I love to wake up and start the day like this even if I was the one who got clocked with the pillow this morning because the kids show no remorse to me like I do to them.  Nothing starts the day better than the laughter and the begging to "please stop tickling or I'm going to pee".  Start your day with a smile at least, this has become the motto in the Maier household.  Next up is breakfast which leads to discussion about what we are going to do for the day.  My kids actually like staying home so I granted them that wish because I had many things to do at home.  Most days I'll have four or five different things going on at once, not because I have ADD or anything but that is just how I do it, multitasking seems to work best for me.  So I got the house cleaned up, dishes done, laundry going and started putting together the bench I've been wanting to build for the back patio.  The problem with the bench though is that my saw that I needed to finish up the legs of the bench was at my sister's house in Seneca.  So I got the kids downstairs and ready for a short road trip.  The weather is great today so we had the windows rolled down, sunroof open and we were on our way.  All three of us had carried over our goofy mood from this morning and it was about to get even more goofy.  Madison got to choose the first song for us to listen to, so I started going through all the K artists on my player to find Katy Perry because I know her so well.  Sure enough, she picked the song Firework.  So as we pull up to the stoplight with that song blaring, I could tell we were already being looked at.  Not a big deal because we are use to it and it actually makes us laugh, sing, and act even crazier.  Next was Kobe's song, Real Gone from the movie Cars.  Now Kobe has joined in on the madness of singing, and it is always fun to look back and see that Kobe has fully joined the party.  My turn next, so I picked the song Blue Skies by Uncle Kracker which fit the day so perfect, just driving down the road with no need to rush, no where really to be.  Days like this are the moments where you stop and look at life, and you put everything in check.  The breeze blowing, the joy of having fun doing absolutely nothing.....these are the days where you sit back and realize that your life is almost so perfect, and that great things are coming in the summer months ahead.  Life is all about what you make it, the people you share it with, and the ability to take life's simple pleasures and realize that they may be small or simple but they are the important things.  Life is good, and of course there are a couple things that would really make life better but they will come in time and then everything will be perfect.  I already have so much to be thankful for but that doesn't stop me from wanting to have everything I want.  It is such an amazing trip to be on and to even be in this state compared to where I was last year at this time shows me that I have grown as a person, that I have come to realize what things in life truly matter, and that the best is yet to come.  We all go through our trials, our hard times where we hit the bottom.  We are being tested to see if we are ready for great things.  It is because of the tests that I've gone through that I know that I am ready.  I know that I have used my time wisely and that I have bettered myself.  It is an exciting time.  I think that this is why I love this time of year.  Spring is all about finding ourselves and renewing who we are and using what we've learned to blossom into the person we really want to become.  When you feel that way, it spreads to everyone around you and you have reached your potential, you've become the person you are meant to be.

Stay Strong and Never Give Up

One thing I have learned in the last couple years is that life will always have a curve ball in store for you when life seems to be going great.  I don't know how many times people felt the need to tell me how things go and that I was either wasting my time or that I would not be satisfied with the end result.  I was one of those people a while ago but I learned that the key to life is how you approach things.  People come and go in life.  Some you let go, so leave, and others you fight to keep. 

We all face trials and adversity on a daily basis.  We are in our own little world most of the time so our problems seem larger than anyone else's.  People always forget to slow it down and take a look at what they have instead of what they are chasing.  With everything I went through for the past two years I have learned to do exactly that.  I started over basically with nothing.  I had my car, my personal belongings and well, that was it.  I rented an apartment that had nothing in it so I sit here almost two years to the day later and look around where I live now.  I remember coming home from work and just not feeling like doing anything.  I was in some sort of depression which is understandable when you go from being with your kids every day to not being able to see them much.  No matter how bad it was I never questioned if I had made the right choice.  I kept trying to think of the big picture and when things seemed hopeless or bad I kept thinking that when this is all over that is when I'll be able to sit back and relax and know that I fought a hard fight and it was worth it.

It kills me as I've watched a couple of my friends go through the same fight that I did.  I tried to be there for them as much as I could because I know that the more support you have the less you question yourself and wonder if you are doing the best you can.  I am often reminded of a system that my daughter was using when learning how to read called chunking.  You have to take the same approach with any problem.  You have to break it down so that it doesn't overpower you.  You have to not let it eat at you and command your focus otherwise you close yourself off from life and what else is going on around you.  Many people will take the approach that what happens happens and if it is meant to be it will be.  I don't like that.  I like to think that we have control over our fate.  I'm not saying that those people who feel that way are wrong, I'm just saying that it isn't the way for me to go.  The more you go through the stronger you become, the smarter you get, and the more prepared you become to find what you want and take it and run with it when you find it. 

Busy Busy......but still taking the time to smell the roses

It is easy to get caught up in life.  Being a single parent is such a hard job yet at the same time a job that any of us would never give up.  We all have had that middle of the night wake up, where either our kid can't sleep or they are sick.  So we do what we can and we comfort our kids.  Sure the next day we are tired and yawning all day and we put up with our co-workers or friend's stupid jokes about "well you must have been up late wink wink" Yeah, it is called having kids! So between all that, making school lunches, checking to see if they really brushed their teeth by seeing if they have figured out the trick of wetting the toothbrush, and many other parental duties we still have to work.  In my case I also have papers to write for school.  Sometimes we feel like we are being pulled in 20 different directions and we need to take a break and put it all to the side.  Today was one of those days for me and the kids.  I woke up and hit the snooze alarm on my phone and as I lay there I started wondering what to do today.  First thing:  check the weather, no rain, so we have a green light for outdoor activity which is nice since it is spring like weather in June still.  We had talked about going to the zoo and my mom originally was going to go with but couldn't afterall, but I had already told the kids that we were going to the zoo.  This basically meant that either we still go to the zoo or I have to come up with something quick that is better than the zoo.  I started thinking.  There are 4 zoos all within an hour or hour and a half of home.  Do I head west to Rock Island?  What about south to Bloomington? Both of those zoos are nice but very small and once you are done there you are stuck in the middle of nowhere so I decided to scratch those off the list.  So I got up and figured let's head to Chicago because there is always plenty to do, there are two zoos to chose from and we like going up there.  Who doesn't like going into the heart of Chicago where you can people watch, hear free music in the park, and drive by that hideously ugly stadium where the Bears now play.  So we hit the road with no time table, no schedule, and no place to really be.  These are the days that I know I remember because of the memories we make.  It is great to take the kids into the city because they see so much there that they can't see at home.  We watched an amazing girl playing the violin outside of the Art Institute, a guy wearing a Superman cape for no reason at all, and a tattooed pale goth guy who made Marylin Manson look like a Sunday school teacher.  Madison saw a man laying in the grass sleeping and asked me if he was homeless......so I taught her to pay attention to detail by pointing out his fancy shoes and his Starbucks coffee, letting her know that just because someone is snoozing in the grass it doesn't mean that they have to be.  It is fun to watch her little wheels turn in her head and for her to start to understand that individuality is a good thing and that being comfortable doing what you like is the way to be.  Once we left the Silver Bean we got to see the Chicago staple, the little black kid playing the upside down bucket.  That kid was amazing had attracted quite the crowd.  Then we made it to Buckingham Fountain where the lesson of why there is a rainbow by the fountain occurred and made this dad feel smart! As I stood there watching my kids take everything in I wondered if in twenty years they would be standing where I was watching their own children and if I was starting something that they would do with their children to show them the world.  It has always been important to me to show the kids different things and take them different place.  We have sat on the dock in South Beach Miami watching a storm roll in.  We have seen Canada as we stood in awe of Niagra Falls.  We've seen Mexico and a storm ravaged South Padre Island in Texas.  They've already seen more and been to more states than many people. 
So today was about just going out there and doing whatever we wanted.  Sometimes it is hard doing all this alone simply because I spend the whole day being who they need me to be but who do I turn to when I need days like this for me, so I can keep it together and keep moving ahead? I know that day is coming where I'll be able to have adult conversations while walking through the zoo.....not that I don't enjoy the level they are now but I need that balance.  I don't want to be the only "adult" acting goofy and getting funny looks from people as we pass them, it would be nice to have that partner in crime.  So basically I guess the whole point of writing this is just to emphasize that more people need to have these types of days.  Do I think that paying $25 to park for an hour is highway robbery????  You bet it is but I can tell you this much, the smiles and laughter that I heard and saw in that hour was worth so much more than what I paid to park.  A month from now where our trip today randomly comes up in conversation I will know that we permanently made some great memories that last.  And maybe someday Madison and Kobe we finally realize why I take so many pictures and make them act like they like each other in them as they put their own kids through the same thing.  Nothing bonds family together like days like today.  And if you want your little flowers to grow up strong and beautiful you have to nurture them every chance you get.

What do you say, when you're not sure what to say

I know that I share a great relationship and bond with my daughter.  Madison shares my unique sense of humor and her and I can laugh and just connect by being silly or acting funny.  My kids are like night and day most of the time.  Kobe is predictable, he acts the same day in and day out.  It is quite the occasion when every once in a while he makes a joke or starts laughing hysterically at something.  It is so awesome to see him do that because in many ways when all three of us laugh and are having a great time, Kobe seems to be just like every other 13 year old kid. 
This weekend, the kid's mom asked if she could take them to a graduation party.  I agreed that she could since it was her family and I do try to encourage that type of relationship with the kids.  Without getting into detail, both kids obviously love their mom but they both have rocky relationships with her because she is very manipulative and well, selfish.  Most parents always put their kids first and what's best for their kids first.  Not so much in her case.  As their mom pulled into a parking space Madison got upset because she was early.  As I gave Madison a hug she asked me if she had to go.  Madison said that she doesn't like going to her mom's house because there is nothing to do there and she didn't want to go.  What do you say to that?  I explained to her why she was going to her mom's which was answered with "but it is your weekend dad, I want to spend time with you".  And then it happened.  I had thought that I was doing the right thing by letting them go.  It was the right thing, but I decided right then and there that the decision is not just mine to make.  Madison asked me if I didn't want to see her that weekend.  I knew that I was running out of time for this conversation as her mom was walking up the driveway and I did not want her mom hearing that she did not want to go, in fear that her mom would be ticked and take it out on Madison.  I gave Madison a hug and whispered to her that I did want to spend time with her but her mom does too, and that I will miss her and Kobe the second they pull out of the driveway and that she never has to wonder because I miss her very much when she's not home.  I could feel the relief come over her.  It was weird because at that moment I understood that I need to talk to her about choices a little more.  I also realized that my little 8 year old has grown up a lot in the last couple years.
I was the same age as Madison when my parents got divorced.  Things were different back then and I didn't know much of what was going on.  I never really talked with my mom about the divorce or the reasons for it.  I have taken a different approach with my kids.  They go to counseling to help them deal with it and to also let them know that many other kids go through the same thing.  I also have tried to have open communication with Madison mainly so that she knows if she has questions she can come to me and ask.  So when Madison came home Saturday night that was the first thing we sat down and talked about, how she didn't want to go with her mom but mainly that I let them go with her because it was a special occasion.  We also addressed that I do want to spend time with them and that just because I gave up a day on my weekend with them, that doesn't mean that I want to spend less time with them. I am very glad that she said that to me because when I was a kid I never spoke up or asked questions.  Instead of Madison thinking that her dad doesn't want to spend time with her, she knows the real reason and that it isn't about that.  We adults often don't look at things the way kids do and for that reason I am so glad that my daughter can come talk to me because I know how important that will be in the coming years. 
Divorce comes with papers, expensive ones at that! They don't come with instructions though for how to help your kids get through it.  Unfortunately you have to go through it to learn how to deal with it, just like many other paths in life.  When you do that you are forced to learn on the fly but as you get older, you also start to anticipate the bumps in the road a little better.  The nice thing is that the three of us are going through all this together and I think we are doing it well.  I have seen Kobe really excell this year in school and he is the sweetest 13 year old I know.  Madison has made huge progress in school but mainly just in her self confidence and her attitude.  Last school year she was having a hard time with the adjustment of me not living with them and the tension of being put in the middle of things.  She had started putting up walls and secluding herself and I'm sure she wondered if she was to blame for any of it like most kids do.  But in the last 10 months her drawing have become happier and she no longer hangs her head or mumbles.  I see a little girl who knows that her voice is listened to and heard.  She has a sense of safety and comfort in a home where there is no yelling and scream for trivial bs reasons.  We live in a home now where we can talk to each other and we discuss things, where they don't have to be scared to say anything.  They no longer live with daily anxiety.  The best way to describe it is the three of us no longer walk on egg shells.  It took awhile but they know if they accidentally spill a glass of milk or do something accidentally that they aren't going to be screamed at.  They know that we clean it up and that is that.  I see the change in them both and I know that the struggle was worth it, that everything we had to go through to get to this point was very necessary because this is the life they deserve to live, and I do too.  I wanted to break the cycle, I didn't want my kids growing up thinking that the life they were forced to live was the way it is suppose to be.  My house is filled with laughter these days and when I hear that I know that the path I chose was for sure the right one to travel!

A Day Without Meds

Occasionally Kobe sleeps in, and when he does on the weekend, every once in a while he doesn't get his medicine.  He takes a medication called Focalin XR.  This medicine is suppose to help him focus in school so he can sit still long enough to pay attention to reading, math, etc.  I still give him his medicine on the weekends because I can only imagine how he must feel to have something help "ground" him but then not take it sometimes.  Structure and consistancy is important.  Today was one of those days without medicine simply because he slept until almost 11 am.  I was curious to see how he is without it because it has been since last summer since I've been around him for the day without his Focalin. 

I've been watching him close today and I realize that it is a weekend but he seems to be doing pretty "normal".  He was diagnosed as having ADD/ADHD.  Kobe has never had any type of hyper activity so this has always baffled me.  Kobe has always been low key but the teachers at school have been able to tell a difference on days that he hasn't had his medication.  He has listened really well today with the exception of being told to put jeans on and coming down stairs wearing jean shorts.  The funny thing is that he knew when he came downstairs that he hadn't done what I asked him but was wearing jean shorts.  I guess it is a good thing to see that he is functioning good without the meds but now the question is, does he need it?  It is hard to know what is best for him at this point. He is 13 and you start to wonder if medication is the way to go, or how much it is actually helping him at this point.  So you also start to wonder if it is hurting him even though it is "safe" by the FDA standards. I am now the one who makes these decisions for Kobe, and I want to do what is best for him.  I am considering taking him off the Focalin for the summer and going from there.  He could use an appetite for the summer, he has gotten so much taller in the last year but still weighs the same.  The Gluten Free Diet also has made his menu much smaller which hasn't helped him gain weight.  I hate this. I hate that I have to constantly question and tweek what I'm doing for him.  Makes a parent feel like they are in some type of science experiment.  So basically, if anyone has any input on this subject I would greatly appreciate it.  I know that some people who read my blog have children also on medication so I'm curious if they have had the same questions too.  Please feel free to leave your comments or even message me on Facebook.

A Quick View From Kobe's Seat

Sometimes being different is a good thing!

Imagine having a disability that crowds your head with thoughts but gives you a limitted way to express them. Or how about knowing what you want to say but not having the ability to get it out, then imagine having that anxiety all day, every day of your life.

My son is 13 and in many ways is a typical teenager. He hates getting up in the morning and would sleep until 11 am if I let him I'm sure.  When he isn't on his ADHD meds he devours food like he hasn't eaten for days.  He likes to ride his bike, he likes to shoot baskets at the park.  He likes to play games on his Ipad or watch cartoon on it.  My son is also the typical 7 year old too.  He likes movies like Toy Story, Ice Age, and Peter Pan.  He has to have all the toys and characters with him when he goes somewhere.  He likes his stuffed animals, he has just started to enjoy drawing and coloring.  He sometimes gets clingy.  The looks you get when you are out in public sometimes are interesting when your son, who is almost the same height as you, holds your hand, gives you a huge hug, or kisses your cheek.  I use to care what people thought. Now, all I care about is what he thinks and how so many parents who have an autistic child would kill to have their child show them any type of affection. 

As far as the severity of Kobe's disability, I consider it to be mild.  I think this way because I know that things could be so much worse for him and like I said, I get the pleasure of raising a child who is so unique, so loving, and so amazing in his own way.  I remember walking into Kobe's kindergarten class and seeing all the kids in wheelchairs, kids who could barely walk, kids who couldn't talk.  I also have had the pleasure of seeing these kids grow up too.  I also have seen how many of the parents of these children have embraced their children for who they are.  Some of the kids have parents who I've never seen or met and that doesn't make them bad parents in any way but you can't help but notice that these are the kids who seem like they've been given up on and left alone.  To me, that is just so sad.  Needless to say I know that when my son is at school that the teachers in his classroom are great with him and for some of these kids, that's all they have. 

Having a child with autism is good and bad but you have to be able to look at all the good things.  Being able to do that took awhile for me because I knew nothing about autism when Kobe was diagnosed.  You go into denial.  You think of all the things your child won't ever be able to do.  This is why I think some parents write their own children off and just accept things.  That is a big mistake! I soon stopped focusing on how different Kobe was and starting thinking how unique my son is.  Instead of my teenage son telling me that I'm lame or that he hates me I get to hear that I'm his best friend every day and "I love you dad".  I get to hear about his day and when most kids his age are out getting into trouble with their friends, my son is hanging out at home where I know he is safe and not getting into trouble or having negative influences shape his young life.  Kobe is Kobe.  He doesn't care if he is looked at as cool.  He doesn't try to impress anyone.  He does what he likes and he is oblivious to the opinions of other people.  I have always admired that about him, that he is comfortable being himself. 

Of course I wonder about his future......will he be able to drive?  Will he have his own place?  What is in his future and what does it hold?  For now though we just live one day at a time trying to keep things as normal as possible for him, having some routine and structure.  When people think of kids with autism they think of constant meltdowns, tantrums, and whatever else they've seen on television or read in books.  Kobe is about as mellow and mild mannered as they come.  Sure I may have to tell him to go brush his teeth three times before he does it but that is the teenager in him coming out.  The biggest compliment I always get from teachers and people who know Kobe is that he is a great person and that everybody knows him and loves him.  It isn't always easy being a parent, especially when you have a special needs child.  You read so much about this and that, what things help, what not to do. Often I almost feel like the poor kid is in an experiment betwen his diet, medication, acne issues, etc.  It is especially hard when he seems to do so well at home, yet comes home from visiting his mom with self inflicted bite marks.  I know he does that when he is frustrated or angry and I wish he could tell me why he does those things.  That is by far the worse part, not knowing how he is being treated.  It obviously isn't good and his treatment probably hasn't changed much and it makes me so mad since one of the main reasons I was given sole custody was because of how the kids were being treated.  One of these days, Kobe will be pushed too far because we all have our breaking points.

When Kobe was born in 1999 the statistic was 1 out of every 200 kids born would be autistic.  Today I believe that statistic is 1 out of every 88 and who knows, it could be even lower by now.  I won't preach but something needs to be done.  It is an obvious problem and so many people don't even realize it until they know someone or have a child who is autistic.  I am one of those people.  I have 13 years of experience under my belt though now and I'm still learning about it, trying different things to help Kobe.  In many ways though Kobe has taught me about life.  He has taught me so much in those 13 years and I don't know who either of us would be if we hadn't gone through what we've been through.  I don't look at him as a child with autism.  I look at him and can't imagine him being anything other than who he is.  I'll gladly take him the way he is and help him celebrate his individuality in a world where everyone is told how to be.  Kobe has no interest in being another sheep in the flock. He's blazing his own trail and I'm proud to be along for the ride.

That Awkward Moment When......

This exchange took place a couple weeks ago and it floored me enough to give me the inspiration to start this blog rolling.

 I took the kids to the park one Saturday because it was finally nice out after a long cold spring.  Generally we cycle through the parks in Ottawa, we've given each park a name so when we get to the point in the car where we debate which one to go to we can keep them all straight.  On this day we decided to hit the park known as "the castle park" because the "riverwalk park" was under about six feet of water because of another amazing flood.  We got to the park and the kids scattered so I hit the bench to just enjoy the day as I knew that my "me" time wasn't going to last long.  About two minutes later I was being begged to play tag so away we went.  After about 15 minutes of running around I snuck out of the game to rest since there were now about seven kids playing tag with my two kids. 
I sat down and on the next bench was a woman in her 60's probably, the gramma to one of the kids now playing tag.  She decided to strike up a conversation with me and started by asking which kids were mine.  About thirty seconds into the chit chat she asked if my wife was working today and unable to enjoy the nice day.  I politely said oh no, I'm not married anymore.  She appologized and then stuck her foot in her mouth again by saying something about how nice it is to see a dad spending quality time with his kids on his weekend with them.  Normally I would have just let it slide and I know that she wasn't trying to be rude or anything but I felt the need to let her know that sometimes it is better to let the other person explain their story than to jump to conclusions.  I also was thinking what her next comment could be.....I know dads don't get custody very often but sometimes it is for the best and people just don't get that sometimes.  I told her that the kids were home for the weekend and we decided to go to the park after the kids finished cleaning their rooms.  I watched as the lightbulb flickered in her head and I think she got it. 
I switched the conversation to who she was at the park with.  She started telling me about her daughter's son, Blake, and how she watches him on the weekends while her daughter works.  When she figured out that my kids live with me full time I could tell because she seemed to become more friendly and talkative.  I hate the stereotype so many people have of dads and how they have no idea what they are doing with their own children.  I understand that even in today's society, the role that men play is usually not one of the caregiver but I think that is changing.  I think more men are becoming better fathers to their own children because of the things they dealt with growing up, not having a father figure.  This is what drove me to be who I am today.  
So basically that inspired me to write because I hate how everyone assumes when they see a guy out with his kids that he is in "visitation" mode or that his wife trusted him enough to take the kids for an hour or two.  It bothered me in the past but I've gotten to the point where I don't have anything to prove to anyone and that other people's opinions of me don't mean anything.  The important people know me and my situation and the new people I meet will get the explanation when the time comes.  I want those people, the ones who don't get it, to know that some guys can raise kids and that gender stereotypes are a thing of the past.  It's about being a well rounded person who can be independant and take care of themselves. That's why in this house we all cook, we all play sports.....we don't let our gender limit what we can and can't do.  I don't want my kids growing up thinking that they are limited in what they can do based on what other people will think of them.

The first blog of many

I will be starting a new blog that deals with, follows me and my kids weekly adventures, and might help some parents along the way realize that maybe their life is actually pretty normal! I have done blogs in the past as a way to release, vent, and keep my sanity.....now though, I am going to show the lighter side of things, keeping it simple and having a few laughs along the way.  Maybe I'll get some followers, maybe not. Maybe I will get some people who can relate to my situation or maybe I will be able to show a few people that they aren't as alone in all this as they might have thought they were.  Either way, I'm going to write so I hope that someone will read it!

So since this is the first blog I guess I need to give a little back story here.......so where do I start?  I will start last July 18th because to me, that is when the dramatic life changing event took place.  I was sitting in a court room eagerly listening to a judge determine how my life was going to go. I know what you're already thinking and no, it wasn't criminal court. This was divorce court.  It had been about 13 months after I separated from my wife and we were in a custody battle for the kids.  I won't get into the whats and why and all that but the judge was about to make her decision.  As she addressed the courtroom my heart began to beat quickly and all the stress, saddness, fright, and every other possible emotion was meeting in my head all at the same time.  She went through all the stuff that I couldn't care less about:  who got the house, who got this, blah blah blah.  I was listening yet I wasn't because I just wanted her to get to the kids. And she saved it for last of course.  I sat there, in disbelief I wasn't sure how to emotionally act.  I waited so long for the decision and then it was spoken by the only person whose opinion mattered to me.  Complete control of the minor children never sounded so good.  At that point, the relief hit me like a ton of bricks and it felt so good even though I couldn't believe that it was over.  Talk about feeling like dancing and yelling joyfully at the top of your lungs.  Of course that wasn't the last time I stepped into the courtroom because there was a petition to reconsider which was denied, and as if that wasn't good enough, our custody case was taken by my ex wife to the next higher court in Illinois because she claimed the judge abused her power in awarding me custody.  After thousands of dollars spent in divorce court I got to again spend thousands of dollars all because she didn't agree with the decision that was made.  Anyone who knows the facts of the case, the stories of mental and emotional abuse that my kids have been put through all agreed that the kids were where they belonged and that no court would change that based on the facts.  At the end of March I got the phone call from my lawyer telling me that the court upheld the original ruling.  So for now, court is over.  I say for now because their mom said she intends to fight it again every chance she gets.  To that I say bring it on because the law states that custody will not change unless there is a major issue of abuse or if the kids are not being taken care of.  That will never happen.
So at the beginning of August 2012 my kids came to live with me for about 26 days out of the month.  We moved into a nice townhouse, where they each have their own bedrooms with huge walk in closets (while I get the unfinished basement!).  They love it here, they are doing awesome in school, we have our routine down, life is good for the most part.  I take so much pride in being their dad and it is my most important job.  We are not the typical family by any means.  My son Kobe is autistic which makes many days quite the adventure.  There will be many future posts I'm sure sharing those adventures.  It is going to be a great summer, many adventures, and so much to share.  I hope you all enjoy this blog and feel free to comment whenever you like......feedback is always welcome : )